Judysgirl.com - Shanghainese ladies who party

What sucked about the Tangshen hotsprings

So this weekend the band decided to take a jaunt to Nanjing hot springs. As my alternative blog would tell you (www.fashion-and-gossip.com) theres a lot of cool stuff to be done, but I have some serious complaints too.

They aren't really hot springs are they? They are jacuzzi's. Man made pools filled up with holiday makers. But anyways thats OK, they are hot I guess, but you dont get much of the history or benefits without all the story telling and experience of going out into a forrest...I was a little disappointed. The trip got off to a bad start, as in true rockstar style we missed our 9.40am train. YES this was entirely my fault as I misjudged the time it would take us to get to the station. Rush hour from Changning road to Shanghai station is 30 minutes BTW. Not 15.

However it is nice that you can simply exchange your tickets for free when you miss your train, I'd love to see that happen in London! Plus the train is very fast clean and cheap. The only problem is the buffet car...and so starts a rant about Chinese holiday destinations and their awful food. Dude I'm serious PACK FOOD when you are taking 4 hungry boys to Jinshang Jie hotel, we nearly starved to death...and as for partying and getting drunk? Forget it.

The stalwart of Chinese cheap drinking, cheap and nasty, this wine is like something you would only cook with if you had run oout of vinegar. However it seems, like white lightning or fortified wine in London, or retsina on your cheap greek holidays, we seem to end up drinking it, which is OK when Im paying $4 a bottle. BUT PAYING 200RMB FOR THIS CRAP IS COMPLETELY OUT OF LINE! you can buy it for 30rmb in the shops, now I expect a 300% increase as MAX on my drinks. So we asked for spirits, a shot of anything but no, you have to buy a bottle, again for 6X the market price, Jack Daniels coming in at 500rmb is ridiculous. $70 usd for a bottle of jack?
Then there was the food. Oh lord. Try taking Viking Swedes who eat meat meat, potatoes, and a bit more meat, CONSTANTLY to a non western hotel. Noodles soup doesnt even hit the sides.
Tor who is visiting from Gotenburg pushed his wonton dumplings unconvincingly round a bowl of what he said was 'sludgy' for a while before giving into starvation. So we waited for the dining room to open...a little too long it seems. Exhausted by lack of food we fell asleep, and by 8.30 dinner was over! giving us a choice of 30rmb popcorn (more than most USA cinemas!) or 40rmb...you guessed it, NOODLES SOUP! oh lord, if it wasnt for crisps we would have died. We decided to resort to eating beer.
and then they tricked us. A snack menu in the 'bar' without drinks...advised MEAT CUBES. OH THANK THE LORD! SOME MEAT! but ooooo no, this was the most hideous of all wrapped confectionary, the Chinese 'meat sweet' a strange and brittle sour cube of unidentified dog food wrapped in shiny paper. I mean really. Billtong, ok, jerky, ok but you wouldnt give lassie this stuff.

And its not like I was expecting Miami beach or New Yorks Manhatten, but the night life here is limited to this. Ping Pong. So I strongly suggest you save your hotsprings activity to at night where you get the gorgeous pools to yourself. You should definitely go just follow my instruction:
1: Make food in advance, sandwiches, snack, bring bread cheese and meat, crisps, anything to survive, even pick up a load of kfc on the train and ask the hotel to microwave it.
2: Alcohol, bring your own, its ridiculous here
3: Entertainment, bring a laptop, some DVD's, boardgames, cards, monopoly or something, its dead at night.
4: Bring good mates, cheery temperaments, and your beloved, then everythng is fun x

Ayi versus Jojo

I have forgotten how to clean. As I think every lady in Shanghai does. I came here 3 years ago, after being full time maid to a house of men, and was shocked to find my job had arranged with my flat a maid. A MAID? I am the maid?!?
Ayi's take very little getting used to they come to your house, when you have trashed it, and all of a sudden the trash is gone, and in its place is  harmony of clean you cannot imagin. AYI has a literal translation of auntie, well my auntie never showed up after my parties and cleaned the vomit off my walls...
But in these times, ayi's are becoming a luxury. And for now we are without. So JoJo is back to cleaning, only she has forgotten the golden rule....

DONT DO IT WELL

you will be asked to do it again

Take these bottles, and MISUSE THEM
use glass cleaner ONLY on the soft furnishings.
On glass use thick bleach. It will leave irreversable streaking
On the floor use washing up liquid, it will never dry

Sadly I am not allowed such tricks today as we have guests coming. Actually we always have guests coming, but this one is a girl,and she will think I am dirty if I dont clean properly. So see above, how shiny everything is?
Yeah and it took me like 3 hours....and ayi is 15-20 rmb and hour. darn it stick to an ayi.

Shanghai ladies need to pamper themselves sometimes...and I know just the place

Shown above is a woman who is about as happy as a pig in mud, JoJo is enjoying a rose petal milk bath in Apsara Spa on Shanxi Lu crossing beijing lu in Shanghais Jingan temple district.

In times of stress or tiredness, or low esteem, I reccomend coming to Apsara. In 2 hours you will leave having found your inner DIVA

I started at Apsara 2 years ago. I buy 1 year meberships. It makes it an expensive habit, but even though you fork out about $500USD to start you know all year you will be utterly gorgeous, and you can use the card to treat friends and relatives too.

My favourite treatemtns are:

Chocolate and wine set: WHO WOULDNT WANT THIS chocolate and red wine are smothered on you, then you bathe in a lovely bath of chocolate and wne, then a wrap on chocolate and wone is applied to aid weight loss. Allowing you to eat more chocolate and drink more wine and still fit your jeans! AWESOME!

whores bath

OK its called Cleopatras couples bath but essentially you and your lover get naked and get in a sexy bath. no complaints.

quickies

If you only have a unch hour they do a 30 minute back rub which is wicked but ask for LUCY she is the best and VIVIENNE is the best at head massage

then robed you can indulge in a pedicure or manicure, followed by their customary gifts of watermelon juice and food....god i love shanghai. Affordable nice spa treatments on a weekly basis, now thats what ladies love x

White flowers? the shanghai skin debate...

Being overly tanned isnt one of my major concerns. Being as I am of galic descent skin (well gypsy pikey diddicay if Im going to be accurate) I am not white as snow, but the most chance I have of bronzing is that my freckles join up as you can see.
Thankfully I came to Shanghai! Where tanning is shunned as ugly! HOORAH finally I dont have to feel ashamed of my pasty blue legs!

The first time I came to Shanghai I was terribly confused when I saw all the umbrellas out in the broad sunshine...I kept thinking, "well it has to rain soon", but no just weeks of sunshine. Are the Chinese just very very well prepared?
But infact the skin whitening craze has gone much further than simply not tanning. The supermarkets are full of treatments containing whitening elements, pills creams, lazers, massages and facials are ritually applied to Shanghai flowers.
My friends tell me this hasnt so much to do with Western influence. That would make sense since all of our icons are smothering themselves in St Tropez to achieve a lovely golden godess effect. Sunbeds and sun exposure have been proven to cause cancer and premature aging, however in the pursuit of perfection in the complexion Western women are willing to sacrifice such fripperies. Well you can get botox later right?

WHEREAS skin whitening pills and creams actually are skin repairing, and detoxifying...however there are side effects, the instructions of the medical cosmetics society of the are:

The manufacturers of skin whitening pills recommend that users abide by the following tips in order to achieve best results:

1. Certain foods may stimulate the development of pigment. These foods should be consumed in moderation, lest they interfere with the absorption and function of the pills. They include bananas, pumpkin, beef, almonds, lima beans, peanuts, egg yolk, soy sauce, dark fish and meats, seafood, avocado, lima beans and pickled herring.
2. Other foods promote the whitening process. These include apples, grapes, yogurt, milk, onions, cabbage, broccoli, garlic, Brussels sprouts, horseradish, turnips, asparagus and egg whites.
3. Soy-based products contain genistein, an isoflavone that acts as an antioxidant. It has also been shown to mimic the effects of estrogen in the human body. Genistein is said to increase melanin production and have a similar effect on tyrosinase, which are the enzymes of the skin's pigment cells. Therefore, it is recommended that soy foods be consumed in moderation.
4. Foods containing coloring of any sort are to be avoided, as they contain elevated amounts of pigment.
5. Coffee, tea, diet sodas and sugar-free foods all contribute to the skin's pigmentation. The aspartame in the latter two products may increase the production of eumelanin (a type of melanin found in human skin and hair; it is deficient in albinos).
6. Stay out of the sunlight if possible. If exposed to sunlight, be sure to use sunscreen at all times.
7. Exfoliate the skin regularly. Removal of dead skin cells and debris contributes to a smoother, renewed surface, which in turn is thought to "accept" the benefits of the skin whitening pills more readily

oddly though, also throving in Shanghai are sun tan beds/solariums such as Tropical sun, bronze bodies, and eurosun...strange, but definitely geared towards expats I guess. Especially from the pricing which is far higher than London. And since Shanghai is not short of natural sun I'm not sure how prfitable they can be.

My love is half Phillipino though, so I say the darker the chocolate the richer the taste, as long as its natural...hmmmm
o

Shanghai gets invaded by swedes. And they came hungry. China, order more beef cheese and potatoes.

Meet Tor (god of thunder). The latest of the Shanghai invasion of vikings. Yes Shanghai, be afraid, the Swede vikings are slowly taking over. I am suprized the government hasnt caught on to this, and stopped visa allowance. I know why they are here...they have come for our women our wood and our cheap alcohol, potatoes, fish and beef. They wish to take our stocks and turn them into meatballs pickled herring, schnapps and wenches. They wish to use the hunagpu to build more viking ships and possibly use the new IKEA's as a head office....they shall attack us with blonde tall angry people who are lithe and fit and rather beautiful. And if not they shall simply starve us. Because honestly, Im from London, people eat, but i HAVE NEVER seen people eat like the Swedes. Shanghai is not renouned as a nutritional capital, coming by decent produce is sparse and expensive and cooking equipment is limited. But still they come, and they are ravenous.

First came Thomas Karnsund, (which is a derivitive of a woodworker..see I KNEW they had plans to build viking ships!) who dilligently ate his way through a metric tonne of raclette cheese at the cafe montmartre in xujiahui's all you can eat raclette cheese monday nights for 150rmb (what a good idea!?!) then came Flawless Al's grandmother from Gothemburg, who successfully imported more cheese and bacon than carrefor, city shop, and every hotel in Shanghai combined, and then proceeded to cook it for devouring 20 somthing swedes every night for a gorgeous 2 weeks visit. Then comes Tor, the god of thunder, and soon we shall have Emma and boyfriend.

So I am preparing my game plan. I think the more I feed them the more docile the troops become, and maybe they shall not attack after all. Tor alone can eat an entire packet of pasta in one sitting comfortably and maintain a stomache you can do your washing on (where the hell does he put the third bowl of pasta? Im sure many are intreagued to know...god of thunder indeed)
But sadly not being a millionaire I cannot afford an endless suply of sirloin steaks, so my weapon of mass destruction is...carbs.
Potato (a huge hit with any european) equals about 1 rmb here. Thus meaning I can take down a vikings raging appetite for less than a few bucks.
Pasta, again a killer, filling heavy plentiful

and I have found the irresistable weakness of Swedes.

Take an onion
take some garlic
take more salt than is normal for a human
take some beer
take some beef stock
cook
add bacon
add cheese/or cream

smother a carbohydrate with this.

Another invasion avoided. But Shanghai do be weary, they walk amongst us.....look out for H+M lables sticking out of their clothes, a slight whiff of pickled substances, anyone ordering a third entree of pasta premavera, it could be a viking on the verge of attacking Shanghai...quickly put some mashed potato in their mouths!

you want to rock in Shanghai? Be ready babies, its blood sweat and sores....

Think rocking out is all air guitars and fake power slides? No people, oh no. Listen to me, Shanghai is hardcore, sets here are all night, in smokey bars, and there aint no knee pads for your power slides, if you wish to bring the metal let JOJO LUSH of the Captain Slowhand explain to you the dangers. Rock hard or go home.
1. Please observe Shanghai's lovely atmosphere. Simply walking around for a whole will give you ling cancer. Shanghai's polutions issues are exhausted in various blogs and im no environmentalist (she says stroking her fur boots) but if you want to belt the screamers axle style this city will destroy you. My tip, take advantage of the very cheap steam baths and saunas, and the fact that you can openly PHLEGM cough and spit in the streets! nice! also right now you may have noticed pineaplle is in season, takeone juice it drink it...mix some honey...and some whisky...you'll be whitney.
I also find going to any pharmacy and grabbing your throat and looking pained will get you some amazing sweets for pennies.

Yeah, complex isnt it, and it simply wanst made to bite the head off a bat then scream for 4 hours straight...shame

HANGOVERS

Dudes lets be honest, not all of us make it. Some of us havent given up our day job, and for pat slap attack and I we know the pains of rocking till 4 am getting up at 7 working all day and making it to rehearsal. What was that you said? just dont drink? What? a rock band without shots of whisky? jimi , without his guitar, mick with no lips and hips, bowie without a spangly catsuit. If you even considered this forget your career now. right now. Pat and I have developed an awesome tactic. JUST DARN WELL DEAL WITH IT and stop bitching. So I will stop.

Blistering.

I stamp rather hard, but our poor long tormented drummer the "infamous 3 yoshi" has been asked (oh the shame) to drum on an electric kit, and in many situtations where the peddal hits the metal rather hard, bless his soles. Youch, and flawless Al and PAt slap are frequently playing till their fingers bleed. JoJo Lush once attempted a gig in 4 inch heels and could not wear actual shoes, only slippers for a day.

Love hurts.

Listen floks, rockstars are hot, we all know it. Sex rugs and rock and roll are sort of like macdonalds trailer parks and obesity, just made for each other. And with rock and roll comes rugs (never figured it out, guess rocking is tiring and a nice rug to curl up in after is fun...it was rugs wasnt it?) and sex. But dont be fooled, just because you are a 'god' of rock, syphillis rules apply. be safe gods of love. dont let the devil-may-care attitudes sway you. Be a good boy or girl and take care of your precious bits!!

Easter bunnies frolick in Shanghai Sunshine, and not a chocolate egg in sight!

After Monday's religious bank holiday in China (tomb sweeping ancestors rememberence day) Shanghai wasn't really ready to play Easter this year. No eggs in sight as I walked through Carrefor on easter Sunday. No silly bunnies, and no cheap and sickening chocolate, hurrah! EAster is a bit of a drag sometimes, you have to go see all your aunties and collect a heartattack worth of Cadburys cream eggs which will sit in your cupboard for 4 months. Then theres the church issue. Even more than Christmas Easter is kind of JC's big day, and easter is a time to somberly remember what sacrifice means to Christians and the miracle of the holy trinity and ressurection.
In Shanghai the only Easter themed event I could find was the 'dress as a playboy bunny for free shots" party at I love Shanghai night club. And why the hell not? At least thats honest. If you arent Christian and you dont go to church, you dont get a free pass to heaven by turning up with your nan once a year, you'll be noticed as a fraud, you wont know the hymns, you wont know what to wear, when to stand or sit...and mumble "thy kingdon come thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven, give us this day our daily....milk...and deliver us from...fires...and something about a kingdom....and holy glory...and rum, blessed are the cheesemakers?" At least being out of a Christian country I can avoid the whole affair.

I suggest you spend the Easter holiday worshipping the things which enrich your life, for me thats my boys,my blues, my booze, my band and good old birds and bees.

So with worship on our minds Captain Slowhand's band made plans to get back to nature. We had heard rumours of a park...an amazing park...40 minutes drive from Changning district with free use of barbeques, horses to ride, lakes and a forrest...we planned to dress as hippies pack food and drink and instruments and go make our first music festival in the forrest, playing for the good people of Shanghai, however once we had woken up, fought through Carrefor to get meat on a Sunday (please get more checkout assistants guys and less staff just clogging up aisles) we descovered the park closed at 4.30?! why would a park close at 4.30 on a sunday? Surely its obvious, brinch at 1...finish 3...park at 4 till 7 right?! parks close when its dark, thats how it should be. So we hit one of the very nice local parks surrounding the Changning area
It was lovely, all the families from the apartments come together to walk their dogs, play badminton, play with their kids, walk as couples, and play basketball. The Chinese are very communal people and very healthy, it nice to see physical excersize and families taking time for each other. Thats something very Christian to me, taking care of your families and sacrificing time and other pleasures for entertaining your kids in other ways than shoving them in front of a dvd.


So if you must try church at least this one is pretty. Hengshan Lu Catholic Church is worth it for the accustics and architecture.


Another excellent way to worship is the truly biblical size and indulgence of the bruchs in Shanghai. The Westin is by far the best. 1 it is huge, 2 it is good 3, it is pleasant.

A huge array of food is not always a good thing, quanity usually comes at the expense of quality. 500 unedible dishes are in my mind not better than 3 good ones. However the Westins staff, surroundings and sumptuous spread is a religious experience. I suggest doing a mini lent before otherwise you wont even get through the cold appetisers..which would be a crime as the prime rib crabs and dessert buffet are unmissable.

Well however you find your inner peace and faith my China friends, I wish you enlightenment peace and goodwill! And come worship at Beedees Saturday night for captain Slowhands sermon. I shall deliver the verses of rock, and you will feel the spirits move you.

Shanghai heats up, and we wanna strip down and get wet. Heres how

FOR A START DO NOT DO THIS

I am talking about DINO PARK. Once I was foolish enough to be talked into this slimey unhygenic ell hole of speedos and pee'ing kids, queues and hotdogs floating along in the tube with you...nasty toilets, bad food, more queues shoving, ughr it was a nightmare.

I mean look at it, if i wanted to recreate the survival scene from the titanic it would have been more pleasant and relaxing.

The Chinese have such unique takes on swimwear as well, the most pleasant part of the day for me was sitting observing how many hairy pot bellied speedo clad men and baggy gusseted skinny women I could see. Of course full goggles and swimming caps, even nose clips are common and score extra sexy point. Malibu beach this is not. Dont go to honey watch. Unless you hit the famously tacky "nightclub bon bon" Miss Beach Honey beauty pagent. I cant believe Coolio actually presented that last year. Dog, what were you thinking?

But we still need to cool down strip off drink things with umbrellas in and get some eye candy so heres my shanghai poolside tips.

This one is a winner if you like your ladies with more makeup than clothes. Itsy bitsy kinis and aviators required for a day of champagne and cool cats DJ's. Now about 60% of attendees have their heads firmly rammed up their own backsides, true, but champagne sunshine tunes and hotties cant be bad. Bring lube and get ramming. PS if you arent supermodel good looking you might wish to avoid this party as it can cause slight inferiority complexes (take it from a pasty midget ginger with a flat chest)

APARTMENTS

So many apartments in Shanghai in Xujiahuai and outer areas have pools which can be accessed for a day, usually they have snackbars and entry fee. Its a laugh as ong as you dont mind kids.

Of course some are secret. I have a little secret...ok a few clues...xinzha lu shimen lu....top floor 2 flights up, if you wink at the guard he wont charge you, always a party of people up there, none of whom live in the apartment I'm sure, and for my tip I expect a bacardi breezer when you come.

The lux version which i once enjoyed before I realised money doesnt grow on trees is the Portman Ritz Carlton gym outdoor and indoor pool. This place is awesome. Conjoined through a tunnel you can slip between inside and out, the food is great, service amazing, and gym facilities pukka. They have a 'spouse' and offpeak deal which makes it almost affordable...but think Im sticking to my sneaking into apartments for now.

Keep cool.

That MEANS no speedos

The German themed restaurant that no amount of sausage can save. No free beer, and no cheers for Dan's Farm house

Ladies and gentlemen, it breaks my heart to see the picture above. The Captain (captain slowhand, which is the band we have) was reduced to a ship of unworthy size and capacities. Playing Dan's Old Farmhouse (German theme pub and grub affair in Julu Lu) was a disaster from the start.
Take note, the fake Ivy, the fake drum kit (yoshi, it shoudnt have happened to a kid like you, I hope you washed your hands thoroughly of that synthetic boom box bastard), the fake wooden beams, the fake authenticity of having a shed load of cheap awful schnapps which you sell at inflated prices although no one in Europe would ever be caught dead drinking them as an actual aperitif or digestive in a restaurant, (I hang with Swedes, I know these things) and worst, the faulse pretences of the gig.
Captain Slowhand is all down for playing for the love of rock and roll. We will give blood sweat and tears for a shot of the hard chill of making sweet musical love to an audience of our fans. However its not the only shot I want. Its only nice and fair to give the band free drinks. We brought our own equipment which was a good job as Dan's "open mike night" consists of a bust amp, no instruments except a kids toy for a drum kit, and some bust up ass mike which Al and I would have been better off using paper cones to elevate our volume. WORSE they then pimped out our instruments to OTHER bands?! urm hello? do we look like rent-a-set?
We paid for our food, which was good, very good, as was the service by the sweet waitresses. The place is usually dead, understandably, which is a shame since the chef, menu, price and girls are lovely. However the cold room, bad taste of all design aspects and mostly the fakeness of venue and the inconsiderate bad management is letting this place down.

After being 'lead' to believe we would get free drinks for the band, and equipment rental, and rehearsing and generally going somewhere i wouldt be seen dead, singing my ass off, and bringing in 30 clients which they would never normally have since we always bring our entourage (LOVE YOU GUYS!) they whacked us with a 1400 rmb bill for the pleasure of wasting our time in their dive.

Not cool Dan, not cool.

Dan's food is awesome, they also deliver through Sherpas meaning you dont have to go there. This is the best bet.

HOT AND CHEESY NIGHTS AT HOME IN SHANGHAI

I have no idea why I didnt do this years ago.

In a city where only a handful of people who pay way too much rent (me included) have an oven, you find yourself making stew and pasta again and again, gone are the roasting and baking days, and the simple joys of melted goodness.

However no worries since in Shanghai at the touch of 8 easy to remember digits (sherpas: 62096209 Mealbay: 51580168) Any food substance you can think of pretty much can be yours. This does however depend on you financial status.

There was a day I reeled in glee at how CHEAP these services were...oh the executive luxury lifestyle....
Now I have gone back to my hedonistic artist days to redescover my talents and enjoy my life (freelance, try and learn how to be good at my work again, try new things and be generally a pauper) the expense of Western food is also a part time luxury.

But I realised a simple fact, what do I really need an oven for except toasties? I mean how often does a girl who lives alone think...hmmm leg of lamb tonight! Nah we put beans (11rmb carrefour) and a bit of grated cheese (city shop 40rmb for a block of cheddar, 32rmb for a ball of buffalo mozzarella, living with a swedish boyfriend, regular imports of raclette cheese 0rmb totally free!!)
But the thingy itself is a bit pricey...NOT ANYMORE THOUGH! Rejoice in the fact HOLA stores in Cloud Nine mall next to Zhongshan Park station which is zhongshan die tie zhang (pronounce jong shan dee te jaahng) has them on a whacking doscount right now so you can pick up this beauty for $10USD

For so long I have wanted one. Oh the joy of joys of a simple toasted sandwich maker. Last night we had the boys round to celebrate....mondays.....and watch CAPTAIN SLOWHANDS FIRST GIG ON VIDEO!! WOOHOO check out my facebook for the clips joannascarrott@yahoo.com is my facebook name.or just come to the live gig thursday at DANS FARM HOUSE julu lu shanghai.

So the boys gathered, and im not sure why but when we sit together in front of movies they get mighty mighty hungry for munchies...mystery...

I did tomato and cheese with garlic, bacon and garlic cream cheese, parma ham and raclette, and I had cream cheese and smoked salmon. The trick is to butter the OUTSIDE of the bread, and let is sizzle before you open the thingy. Also make it HOT before you out the bread on or it will stick. and dont fill to the edges or it flows out the end.

We were mighty happy bunnies, feed four fit young men for fifteen dollars? nice! Screw Shanghai delivery serivces, JoJo Lush got munchies covered.